Disconnected

Being Mexican American is hard!

I feel lost.

Like I don’t really know who I am.

I’m American, but maybe not American enough.

I’m Mexican, but maybe not Mexican enough.

I can be doing absolutely nothing wrong but if a cop pulls up behind my car, my heart races, and my hands sweat.

I get looked at and immediately think they’ll see brown, she who does not belong.

Don’t even get me started on my Spanish! I mean it’s decent enough but it’s not proper.

It’s not until I’m having a conversation with someone whose native tongue IS Spanish that I realize how bad mine actually is.

I’ll stutter and say in Spanish “pues no se la palabra, pero en ingles es (insert english word here)”

My cheeks get flustered and red, embarrassed that I don’t know the word.

Because I should!

Now don’t get me wrong I’m proud of who I am!!

It’s just sometimes I feel like I don’t know enough of my history which makes me feel somewhat disconnected.

Even more, realizing Shawn (my favorite child, also my only for now) has an “identity project” that needs working on.

He’s supposed to choose one of the following;

-a cultural tradition in winter and why it is important to him.

-a person who is important to his cultural history.

-bring in and describe a family or cultural item or tradition and why it is important to him.

I know a few big names.

As far as knowing details of what they did or why they did it Im completely lost.

Me and dad are gonna have to do research on and help him with.

I want to take into consideration my heritage and I wanna instill it into Shawn i don’t want it to be lost.

But how do I do that when I don’t know enough myself, do we learn it together do i try and learn it all myself and then just share what i feel will benefit him.

Here’s the thing….

I know American culture, American history, American traditions.

There’s nothing in our history books (from school at least) that ever gave us insight to anyone else’s culture, history, or traditions.

Yet here I am having to help my kid with an identity project.

I’ve been meaning to get my hands on this book called “A peoples history of the United States” by Howard Zinn. I heard if you want a truthful raw history of our country this is the book to read!

So maybe now is the time to snag it up to help myself help Shawn with this project.

It’s just hard when sometimes i can’t fully comprehend who I am as a person.

I’m still learning, learning who I am, learning who id like to become.

I might not have it all figured out. But i like who I am becoming, I like the chicana mama I am!

I don’t want to let down my ancestors for all their hard work and dedication. To continue to flourish as people. To keep our history alive!

We’re strong, resilient, and determined!

I don’t believe in New Years resolutions i believe the best time for resolutions are the moment you think of them.

So my goal now is to learn as much as I can and pass it down to Shawn or learn along side him.

So please if you’re reading this and you have ANY book or even documentaries that you can recommend to this hermana I would really really appreciate it.

So leave a comment and let me know what’s up! Educate me! Don’t belittle me!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s